how am i supposed to know what to do?

i haven't felt this terrible in five years. then it took me many months to recover. i went "straight edge" according to emily and patty and became withdrawn. i still have a residual panic feeling every time the spring comes because of that time. i really hope this time is different and it won't be so bad, but i'm not sure that i am so lucky. i've just been drinking and hanging out with friends (almost the opposite of last time), but i'm not sure that will help or compound the fact that i already feel like shit. being drunk sure makes it a lot easier to cry. i'm incredibly hopeless and helpless to improve any of the situations and that means that shit is just falling apart and that i have to let it. i'm learning that "life is not fair" and that really loving people = ouch.

i am quitting my phone because if i don't use it at all i wont be tempted to call justin and bug him. i know he wants to be left alone but it hurts a lot. "it hurts, it hurts bad."

in thinking about that break up: i've never had a breakup where i've just been sad. usually i'm angry and i get mean. i pick fights with everyone around me when i'm upset about things. i like to fight because it makes me feel better to hurt and challenge other people. in the end, fighting with people shows who your real friends are and how they feel about you. right now, unfortunately, i can't get myself to be mad, get angry, and fight. this time, while i have been/said mean things on occassion, i'm being much nicer and sadder than i am just being angry and mean. i think that this means that i really do love him, that i really would do anything to help him feel better (including make myself internally endure the anger aggression resentment etc because i know it won't solve anything with him). this makes me happy to think that i am actually in love but immensely crushed to think that all i can do to make him feel better and to make me happy (eventually-this will take a long time to come to terms with) is to let him go. does the world really work this way? so many things are out of peoples' hands (sickness, death, etc), but interpersonal relationships are not (this one is not out of his hands), so why not live it up? why hurt two people when in reality everyone can just be happy? why break up with someone that "you love, of course" that loves you back? i'm desperate to understand.

amy, i really am sorry i missed your party and your birthday.

clevo, see you soon...