i'm a bad mom...

where does depression hurt? everywhere
who does depression hurt? everyone - including my baby plants. there are a few that are thriving, otherwise, they are struggling. my jade plant is the only one that looks healthy.

this is the most stressful week of all time. work hard play hard.
as long as i drag myself out of bed i should be able to get it all mediocrely done.

how am i supposed to know what to do?

i haven't felt this terrible in five years. then it took me many months to recover. i went "straight edge" according to emily and patty and became withdrawn. i still have a residual panic feeling every time the spring comes because of that time. i really hope this time is different and it won't be so bad, but i'm not sure that i am so lucky. i've just been drinking and hanging out with friends (almost the opposite of last time), but i'm not sure that will help or compound the fact that i already feel like shit. being drunk sure makes it a lot easier to cry. i'm incredibly hopeless and helpless to improve any of the situations and that means that shit is just falling apart and that i have to let it. i'm learning that "life is not fair" and that really loving people = ouch.

i am quitting my phone because if i don't use it at all i wont be tempted to call justin and bug him. i know he wants to be left alone but it hurts a lot. "it hurts, it hurts bad."

in thinking about that break up: i've never had a breakup where i've just been sad. usually i'm angry and i get mean. i pick fights with everyone around me when i'm upset about things. i like to fight because it makes me feel better to hurt and challenge other people. in the end, fighting with people shows who your real friends are and how they feel about you. right now, unfortunately, i can't get myself to be mad, get angry, and fight. this time, while i have been/said mean things on occassion, i'm being much nicer and sadder than i am just being angry and mean. i think that this means that i really do love him, that i really would do anything to help him feel better (including make myself internally endure the anger aggression resentment etc because i know it won't solve anything with him). this makes me happy to think that i am actually in love but immensely crushed to think that all i can do to make him feel better and to make me happy (eventually-this will take a long time to come to terms with) is to let him go. does the world really work this way? so many things are out of peoples' hands (sickness, death, etc), but interpersonal relationships are not (this one is not out of his hands), so why not live it up? why hurt two people when in reality everyone can just be happy? why break up with someone that "you love, of course" that loves you back? i'm desperate to understand.

amy, i really am sorry i missed your party and your birthday.

clevo, see you soon...

after i get sick i just get sad.

I secretly really love emergency trips home. They are always unexpected and a good excuse to spend a lot of money on a plane ticket. You can fly out whatever time is most convenient for you and maybe even pay to upgrade. You suffer this luxury in your bank account, but I appreciate it because its so impulsive but necessary.

I have a really strange itchy hand syndrome right now...

more fun than blood loss

1. ny next weekend. emily, marissa, selena, megan, jenko and hopefully patty.
2. on a bender - dumped - down and out.
3. first experience with vermouth.
4. paint fumes.

here is the good news part two

my birthday is soon and there will be a party on saturday the 21st. jacqueline, come! other internet friends, come! jacqueline i will make you a nest in the kitchen.

i'll go over and egg gordon's house now. got nothing better to do.

i've become such a pussy since noble came back to the states. i mean, i've lost my hanging-out-without-my-boyfriend edge. i don't know if i've lost it. but it is a little bit dull. i'm not used to spending weekends alone. see? total pussy.

hmm, eggs and nests.

alone. yes this will be my first weekend in new york without noble since his return, and it feels weird. it shouldn't feel weird. and you're never really alone if you have coffee. coffee is a friend. and friends are also friends.

coffee. i am stuck reading this book that i'm reading. it's by michelle tea. the reason i'm stuck is that the chapter i'm up to starts with a really great and elaborate description of how wonderful coffee can make you feel, so i want to save reading it for a morning when i'm drinking coffee. but mostly i read before falling asleep at night, and when i wake up i mostly don't have time to read, so i have not progressed past this chapter. tea on coffee. haHA.

okay, off to egg gordo.

fuckin hoodrats.

i am talking to gordo on the internet. can you believe that?
i told him that you (amy) would egg his house for talking shit about emily. could you do that for me? i know you're up late anyway...

in other news, this is the good news: Oct 30 - Boston, MA @ Middle East (18+). the hold steady. my new jam. etc.

in other news, my life is code red: im probably about to get dumped.

i like dead spies, i keep a grip on my rice

last night i was at work until 2:30 am. tonight i will probably also be at work until 2:30 am. but it's okay because my job is watching tv. and it starts in the evening. and i get a cab voucher.

i feel bad for chris though because i am going to wake him up and try and get him to hang out with me when i get home. we rented repo man, which is the best movie.

today i ate the falafel that i've heard a lot of hype about and it lived up to the hype, which was nice. also i went shopping at office ops and got a red polo shirt. i like not working during the day.

in philadelphia last weekend i saw a guy read a poem about encouraging crows to eat his babies. i bought the book, and it's great. it was a good weekend. fake chicken sandwich, good bars, good bookstores, strange literary events, etc.

and i'm almost 23. come to the city i will have a party ok.

zombies

amy, you should make paper zombies.

I heard you quit your old job to start asking men about their lite beer preferences again. is this true? because if so, thats gross - i hate lite beer.

i really really need a nap. i got two a's. all the people in my "class" are "crazy." i can't stand them.

my room is clean and i don't think its possible to have a cooler room than mine right now. i could live in it forever. also - i considered living in the shower yesterday and i really think kramer was on to something.

also, i love my car.

dishes

hey jacqueline!

hey anybody else too!

i have a MOUNTAIN of dirty dishes in the sink. which is why i'm writing on the internet instead of washing them.

so i quit my job and it was a great decision to make. if you are thinking hey maybe i should quit my job, i would say that you probably should. i'm now training for the aforementioned ridiculous night writer job at the ad agency. today i had to watch one tree hill. from now on, my workday will start at 7pm. yesss.

yesterday i wrote my first-ever sonnet. i left it on tasha's voicemail but i don't think she's listened to it yet.

if anyone wants to hit me up with some new things to try making out of paper (JACQUELINE?), please do that. i'm tired of only cranes, swans, whales, eels, balloons, and triceratopses.

and now i will wash the dishes.