crackle crackle loudspeaker: "please do not do that anymore. repeat, please do not do that anymore." -marc re: fireworks

the weather had me edgy for awhile. anxious to get back to boston even. anxious to get back to doing something... but then i realized that i AM doing something. im working and hanging out and not really worrying about much. it was the not worrying that got me worrying and now i am stuck thinking about classes, money, apartment furnishings, boys, you name it. man. what a headcase i am.

one more moronic week of work. i called mark last night just to be a brat, prat even. it made me feel better for a little while. what am i doing making this post when i have to do laundry and read my book? i havent even brushed my teeth yet. how disgusting. someone turn me into the "anti-calculus" police.

funny stories to come. later i mean.

"suicide, it's a suicide."

the last few days have felt really very strange. i'm realizing the world is just much too small. i don't really want to get into it. the weather's got me down and i feel as though my nasal passages and breasts are swelling.

i sometimes think i surround myself with amazing people, but on some nights they all seem to be crazy. they all seem to make me crazy like they (or i) must change with the weather, or the full moon, or the changing winds or something. i looked forward to summer flings and others' returns from abroad, but the sparks are not like they used to be. the friction of skin on skin and the static on the phone doesn't feel the same. i can't force it.

this is what my new home will look like. we will sit in the kitchen and sip our coffee and crack open the dictionary to random pages like our grandmas do, or did. i'll build a home and live in it for a year. i'll stay put and keep people regularly around me.

whining, damsels in distress, woody allen

1. whining

my throat hurts and megan's throat hurt yesterday and now she's a big mess of sore throat really sick go home from work early bad stuff, so i have that to look forward to tomorrow i guess. PLUS i just got an email saying that although they were "very impressed" with my resume, the place i wanted to to intern at has "already filled the position." if i can't get an internship, how am i going to get a job? i hate the job hunt. it makes me so unhappy. it conquers me. in a bad way.

2. damsels in distress

on saturday night me and chris were riding bikes to a party in central. as we passed the 7-11 in central, chris saw his old roommate and a bunch of other dudes in glam rock make up and eighties clothes having a little scul dance party out on the sidewalk. so we turned around so we could say hi. and as i turned i felt something snap and something else slap against my shin really hard and oh, shit, my chain broke.* fortunately, the scul guys were ridiculously nice and fixed it for me right there and totally saved my ass. but not without making fun of my bicycle and taking lots of pictures of me and saying "ahhh, daaaamsels in distress!" basically it felt like the rocky horror picture show when brad and janet first show up at the castle. except with bikes. and no castle. and no transvestites. but the dude who fixed my chain actually did look a bit like riff raff.

3. woody allen

i'm going to go rent a woody allen movie from the library on patrick's ID. i hope they'll let me. i'm bringing a handwritten note from patrick. maybe this one will make megan not hate woody allen? no, probably not.

*then i realized, wow, i'm amazed the chain held up as long as it did, seeing as three of the links were from this kid's huffy bike joe chicago found in the trash. thanks joe chicago.

ok. lets talk.

ok. lets talk. where is paul?

zach got home from korea on monday and we spent all of tuesday and most of wednesday together. i'm playing it chill. he brought me a ton of cool stuff including but not limited to: -the greatest pens of all time. -a planner that says "kiss for 120 seconds" on the front and "my happy life is about to begin!" on the spine. -alcohol. -pocky that commemorates my birthday on 11/11. -a fake polo ralph lauren sweater, kelly green. -2 cute tshirts, one pink, one black. -asics bag. -pencil case. -a jade bracelet (i love it.)

i saw tom at the warped tour. it was hot and there were a lot of ugly teenagers. beth came and we sold dropkick murphys merch.

i went to see karate for kids and the latterman at the tower. "this is being awesome." i'm in love with steve kowalski. keith was there and we pounded some sandwiches at my house afterwards. i lost the human torch pin at the warped tour.

i'm quitting my job on the 31st. i'm on holiday for august. that means don't call me or write to me unless it has something to do with frisbee practice or drinking.

i've found and apt on electric ave. it's wicked cute and where i want it to be. perfect i think (price, size, place.) sweet.

thanks for listening dudes.

growing up baby polar bear

i'm watching growing up baby polar bear on tv. it was weird to wake up today and find the house empty. aaron finally got a temp job and padraigh mahou and fluker have work today. maybe i'll go stalk fluker at work.

oh they're naming the polar bear now! it's very suspenseful. ok his name is . . . inukshuk!

and that's all i have to say right now.

no, you must be don francisco's sister

today i mentioned something from "without feathers," and this dude i work with got really excited and quoted woody allen movies for the rest of the night. constantly. it was awesome. i think he was disappointed in my woody allen quoting abilities. that's ok; he made enough references for the both of us.

also, there were jelly beans at work. because of harry potter. woo harry potter omg.

i'm back! i was in new york for a few days and it was fun. highlights include:
-catching the end of broken social scene
-dinosaur jr covering the cure!
-"soul" "chicken" and lambic ale with marissa
-adam beating me at scrabble
-word games on the train to coney island, adam laughing at the word "pagina" before marissa could make "paginate"
-mates of state being ridiculously cute
-the ocean
-the cyclone!
-sophie calle gallery exhibit
-japan society exhibit
-bagel

i had a really nice dream about a baby rabbit last night. it had floppy ears and it was drinking milk.

today sort of sucked. boston is not usually considered tropical, but there was definitely what can only be called a monsoon. was i riding bikes in it? yes, i was. also i forgot my wallet and i got weird blue stains on my clothes from bag + rain, and i spent the morning at the hospital finally getting my deformed little finger x-rayed.

i'm trying not to get too excited about a certain job opportunity type thing. ok enough about that.

ok it's time for dinner.

attn: missing: amy berkowitz has been missing from the internet.

things are sweet. im quitting my job in 2 weeks. ive been watching pete and pete. i found an apt. it's cute. patty's taking care of all of it. i got a letter from caroline and it ruled. ill see zach, keith, everyone else i've ever missed tomorrow night at the tower.

"my only wish is jkish." -steevo

polaris.

i did not return my dvd's and have been enjoying the adventures of pete and pete as well as the life aquatic with steve zissou.

last night i realized that bill murray kind of reminds me of steve kowalski. at first i thought it was the common name "steve" but then i realized that it's more the nature of their jokes that makes them similar. they go for the smart joke, the chuckler, not the broke down dying laughing joke. i like that about both of them. a lot.

"just purchase trashy romance novels. that will put things in perspective."

last nigth brandon's curt but simple thoughts really made my day. he may be totally stoned all the time and use the word "cosmic" regularly, but he also says things like "you're really cute." "i mean in an athletic way." "not that that's a bad thing." "whats your sign again? aries? scorpio?" "oh right, scorpio, why didn't i guess that first? spicy and rowdy." his dog is also kind of cute and he invited me to have an affair with him seeing as mark lives down the street. i found that comical.

honestly, i haven't felt this great about things or myself in a long time. the funny thing is, it's not like anything has clicked or is going particularly well. its the weird good feeling that accompanys falling in love and buying a new hot dress or getting the job you wanted. it's more like i like how i spend my time and who i spend my time with. i've chosen really good people to surround myself with. while im dramatic and front about a ton of stupid shit, when it comes down to it, i'm okay and the people who make me happy, that i make happy, exist peacefully. i dont know if any of this has anything to do with the end to the paul struggles or the posi attitudes of the summer, or frankly just not dating or committing myself to anyone in some time, but whatever it is, it's working.

i have returns to make. i just bought dvds that i dont need right now as well as shoes and pants. make me return them. please make me.

im going to watch tv and then go to swimming practice at 6 pm. its going to be totally gay. gay as in fun.

i got called a whore exactly 7 times today at work...

and i haven't even slept with any coworkers. try to figure that one out...

im on an hour break from work and i didnt realize how tired my muscles are until i sit down. maybe it is partly because yesterday was awesome!
-swimming w/ mb.
-shopping at sales.
-frisbee practice ruled.
-ihop sucked but dairy queen was sweet.
-drinks with mark were awesome.*
-bossanova was cheap/fun.**

*if i were a couple of years older and wiser, and maybe really into laid back generous architect sailors, i'd marry this gentleman.
**elizabeth came and she looked awesome. my friends at work maybe overwhelmed her but it was worth it for her company. we schemed, we laughed, we drank, and all was well. better than well-great even.

today i

listened to a lot of beat happening, scanned books with a pdt scanner in the basement, ate a coconut donut, watched a dolphin documentary at megan's boss's house, sold a guy a copy of "and tango makes three" which is a childrens book based on a true story about how a same-sex penguin couple adopts a baby penguin egg, found out romano cheese sandwiches are ok, read the tour de france book at work when i wasn't supposed to and learned about a guy named cri cri who broke his fork three times in three different tours (and the last time it broke he just gave up and borrowed a priest's bicycle and rode it to the next village to forfeit), got lost on my way to work, watched some of fast times at ridgemont high and laughed at how they dubbed it so that hamilton says "i'll kick 100% of your face," cut my hair!, went to the radio station, talked about jean-paul belmondo being handsome with a girl i haven't seen in four years, played with a cat, wrote a note to myself that said "besos bitches/ mittens vs. gloves/ kitchen by banana" and then put it in my pocket and then lost it and i wonder who will find it and what will they think?

let's pick the hottest day ever and ride bikes so much, ok? ok.

so it was almost ninety degrees today and me and chris rode from ...

newton to jp (to see the trees with the labels)
jp to newton (i left my stuff at his house)
newton to medford (to make the guacamole)
medford to brookline village (dinner party with a lot of socialists)
brookline village to copley (open mic)

and then i went home cos i have work early tomorrow, so
copley to medford

i am listening to "you don't know my name" right now. that song where she calls that guy who comes into her restaurant. best ever. you always order the special ... with the hot chocolate.

highlights of today:
-alex calling me while i'm passing through harvard to say "ha you're so much faster than chris."
-blueberry iced coffee at dunkin donuts, which tastes exactly as gross as it should taste
-a lot of trees

megan and aaron just came home from flury's house and i said hey how was flury's house? megan said eh it was ok. only ok? well, said megan, all they did was talk about prog rock songs. sounds about right.

ok now i have to go to sleep. work tomorrow. lamest.

ps: i was packing my lunch and we were out of normal cheese, so i just made a sandwich with romano cheese. this might have been a big mistake. we'll see tomorrow. i think it might be disgustingly salty.

play list of summer jamz

in alphabetical order:
architecture in helsinki - it's 5!
atom and his package - going to georgia
bjork - it's oh so quiet
centro-matic - would go over
coco rosie - by your side
dead prez - be healthy
deerhoof - blue cash
destroyer - state of the union
eels -fresh feeling
hot water music - our own way
iron and wine - naked as we came
lady sovereign - random
lucero - bikeriders
modest mouse - so much beauty in dirt
minus the bear - absinthe party at the fly honey warehouse
propaghandi - anchorless
rumbleseat -
rushmore soundtrack/ paul mccartney - oh yoko!
say hi to your mom - lets talk about spaceships
spoon - small stakes
talking heads - this must be the place
tilly and the wall - fell down the stairs
ugly casanova - things i dont remember
weakerthans - illustrated bible stories for children
yeah yeah yeahs - y control
zolof rock and roll destroyer - plays pretty for baby

im into alphabetizing my life.

the list really isnt that impressive. i'll admit i have embellished a little bit and since my presence on the inty has decreased significantly, i have no concerns. really there is one boy that i would/have kissed since ive been here. i really liked him though.

my asthma is bad and it may have something to do with the zoo excursion that my sister, father, and i took today. basically, it ruled. the centipedes and porcupines were my favorite part.

i want a bike and im going to call art to hopefully get the hook up. i have a wicked splinter that kept me from going to work today. i can't walk. i can't run. the only thing i can do is swim, but no one will go to the pool with me.

paul leaves tomorrow for the ultimateeuropeannonstoppartywagon. i'll miss chatting with him. atleast things will definately be on hiatus until he gets back/until i get back to boston. no more in between and hopefully with that out of the way/out of my head i can have time to figure things out for myself and see how things look with zach. my life basically is all about boys, isnt it?

boys and dresses. beson has inspired me to wear a dress today. thanks dude.

i've got two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a nineteen sixty seven colt forty five with a busted safety catch

that song (that jaq started quoting and i'm quoting more) is the best. i want to play it at my wedding. specifically the atom and his package cover of it, which is, i would argue, actually much more passionate than the mtn goats original. if the dude i'm marrying doesn't think it's the best love song ever, then i probably won't marry him. also, if he isn't down with riding around on a tandem bike on our wedding day, the whole thing is pretty much off.

today my parents were here and we went to a giant antiques fair, which was chill. i got a dress that my roommates describe as "actually much less ugly than we thought it would be, amy." i sort of look like a secretary from thirty years ago in it. in a good way. no, i swear. it's awesome.

basically i spent most of the day reading people's old postcards. like from 1911 old. they were amazing. one of my favorites was a postcard that said:

KISSING
sometimes i want to and sometimes i don't---
sometimes i will and sometimes i won't.
but there's a time coming when i will be game---
that is, if you are with me and you feel the same.

and then the girl sending it wrote at the bottom: "and your feet aren't cold." that is pretty sassy for 1913, i think.

right now i am downloading the new missy elliott. i can't wait.

aaron got a job! he will probably wear clothes more often now. he seems happy about it and that's good.

i am impressed with kish's list of boys. i don't have the energy to compile such a list, or the balls to put such a list up on the world wide web where someone might read it, or the good fortune to know a handsome man with a yacht. as always, i find myself settling for boys who have bikes.

whoa sweet. my prom date just told me he has a friend who will let us hang out backstage at siren fest. i knew keeping in touch with my prom date would pay off someday.

ok! work tomorrow! goodnight!

ps

yesterday i took MB to the mall to buy new headbands. i made her use her gift card and she signed her name and everything. i also saw a blind girl working for auntie annies handing out free samples and it made me smile so big. im glad that she has a normal job for a girl her age. now if only we could get MB out of the house and making some money i wouldn't have to keep buying her new clothes. on my account. we're off to curves, bitches.

"the most remarkable thing about coming home to you

is the feeling of being in motion again. it's the most extraordinary thing in the world."

i was late to frisbee practice because i was blogging yesterday. neal forgot the weed and i forgot to wear runnable shoes. we also apparently forgot our acoustic guitar, vegan dogs, and bowler hats. i couldn't stop the pointless and stupid questions from flowing and they apparently couldn't continue to answer them.

cheese spread and pop punk capped the night. and for a split second i stopped thinking about kissing boys and started thinking about doing drugs. i also hope a massive rager happens sometime soon, and i'm devastated that i'm missing out on the flea market on sunday.

seriously, why cant lakewood park become our summer slow jam?

push it up bitch.

hi. lately things have been pretty weird. ive been working too much and am suddenly boy crazy. me and paul kind of flopped as in we aren't doing well. he doesnt want to be "dating/attached to anyone while gone in europe." and i want to kiss other boys and feel good about it i guess. i want to feel good about myself. i think more than that, he just wasn't making me happy as he admits to not being "into this." i interpret "this" as "me" but i don't have enough time to dwell. i still sent him the package he doesn't really deserve. i realize he didnt really even kiss me on the mouth before sex when i visited. that is automatically always a red flag. my bad.

since i've been bummed about that, i've been wearing push up bras and seeking out/fantasizing about boys. the list explains and names names:
-zak. coworker. skinny. elusive. mysterious. nice teeth/hair.
-andrew. younger pal from greatest party ever. last seen at do make say think.
-mark. boater and competitive sailor. classically attractive. architect. generous. good kisser. summer fling material.
-zach hooker. can't wait till he gets home from sk. fantasize about holding his hand and showing him off. fantasize about him showing me off.
-mike. coworker. bartender. good hugger. kind voice. makes me smile.
-can't name/list due to girlfriend/friend issues.
-can't name/list due to age/friend issues.
end transmission.

what i'll do for a dollar:

lick the deviled part out of a deviled egg that aaron schulman is holding in his mouth.

you have a head like a turnip. i've always hated turnips.

the triplets of belleville is the best ever (i just watched it, in honor of the tour de france). they play the refrigerator like an instrument and they pop the baby tadpoles like popcorn kernels. and the dog dreams in black and white about riding on the elevated train that goes past the window where the people all bark at him. so good.

less good but somewhat good is howl's moving castle, which i saw last night. it's very pretty, and i like the landscapes and also the fire when it eats the eggshells, but it sort of doesn't have a point and it ends with the princess kissing everything for no reason. wait, was she actually a princess? eh whatevs.

i am very sleepy because i was up late last night riding bikes (my bike works again! and so well! gears! i have gears! that are different from each other!) and then i worked all day.

marissa said that when she gets home to ny from chicago tomorrow, she'll see how she feels about being around her parents, and if the vibe is not so good, she will get on the chinatown bus and come hang out with me for a while. i hope she comes.

i have no work tomorrow. so i'll
a) write cover letters
b) ride bikes
c) read the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay

i have a feeling "a)" is not going to happen.

dear diary,
i have been crying a lot. i can't take a college class because of paperwork so i will never be a doctor. i may in fact fail at life even though the jolly green giant at work says "he has faith in few people, but i am one of them." i must apply for a "therapy assistant" job and try to cut down hours at bravo!(mind you the exclaimation point is part of the name).

i am a bad friend. i have not seen west side boys, neal, or new friends. i did have to see grandma in the hospital with bloody tubes and she smelled like sick. she has a sign above her bed that says "please speak loudly. i am hard of hearing." that the nice nurses put up for her. the vip floor at the hospital is not that cool because she has a mini fridge but it's not even stocked. bogus.

keith's band is good and so is do make say think. andrew and beth and andrew and antonio and erin and kim were all there. andrew gave me and beth some new laser pointers. he said they are cheap though because the chinese made them. he is going to virginia and antonio is going to italy. antonio is really hairy.

tonight is my night off and i have no plans. maybe ill just eat ice cream and think about how my life used to be in boston.
i'll write again soon. i promise.
-jacqueline