cockfag.

this shit sucks. i woke up early to get breakfast with jamie which was a lot of fun but i hate waking up early. i may not make it through this school year. then i had to run around with my airhead mom who cant remember where she is going nor why she is going there. then we had to pick up my grandma who has lost all of her credit cards so we had to spend an hour looking for them and we didnt even find them. then i had to buy stuff at the store with both my grandma and mom in wheelchairs. my eyes are tired and i still have some packing/carrying to do. my back hurts and my eyes hurt and stupid zach will not pick up his phone. whats the point of having a cell phone if you dont answer it, especially when we are leaving tomorrow. boston better be better.

and im really sad about all that shit going on down south. and you know it's all the poor people getting majorly fucked which makes it even worse.

you know you've had a rowdy night dancing when...

you wake up with
1. one half less toe nail.
2. a ripped skirt.
3. a leg scrape.

those boys rocked my world last night. i don't think i have ever had that much fun dancing. we looked like idiots, the worst dancers on the face of the planet, but we owned it. we fucking owned it.

my highlight is leaving half drunk at 2:30 followed by ryan dunn from jackass. his girlfriend was wearing overalls which i did not support, but whatever. andrew told him he looks thinner in real life and managed to pick me up baby style and carry me down the street saying "hump it, hump it." im really surprised no one broke any bones.

the most exciting thing is that antonio maybe would come to boston to show his italian cousin "america." which would be a fun visit. andrew also agreed to come if beth ever came which is AMAZING.

i always forget about how summer always has that little kick at the end...

i am home and wiped out. im scarfing a chimichanga with home made salsa. im considering giving up onthe changa and just going for the salsa that is so fucking good i could die. my mom is seriously a saint most of the time. she gave me a massive lecture on volume control just now and how sometimes its "more appropriate to not say things out loud." what she means is that shes mad at me for shit talking all of the other football players that are taking all my brother's plays on his team at the game tonight. granted, he is a running back and there are a few of those and various plays for the various RBs, but that kid has looked forward to his senior football season since he was 6. tonight was game one and he looked great. he has this amazing strut and style on the field that shows how much he loves being out there. he missed 2 blocks that i saw and bobbled a pass that he dropped, but ran in a touchdown and caught a 2 point conversion. i'll miss watching the rest of his season, a lot actually. maybe i'll fly home for a home game or something. i just wish hed be a nicer brother and stop putting the magnets on the fridge over my face in the pictures hanging up.

i feel crappy because i couldnt head over the parker lewis house tonight for the party. im so crabby i dont think they want me there anyway. for some reason zach and i stayed up well past 4 or 5, who knows bc of the time change, watching movies. we had to drive home and he didnt seem to be so tired. anyway a few things i want to remember about this trip and this summer:
-the stencil on the sidewalk that said "i don't want to be alone."
-all the butterflies fluttering around chicago and the country on the drive home.
-not to get lung cancer and to donate my body to science.
-how hard neal rules.
-the conversation that started off with a genis punch and followed with a screamed "i'm fucking....[long pause]...gonna rip your nipples off." to which i laughed really hard and he said "it's your choice, a cunt slap or nipple rip." to which i laughed harder.
-how i found the "you are beautiful" slip of paper on the sidewalk during the 30-50 mile death march to the pizza dinner.
- country music and hip hop on the radio.
-cramming into a twin bed with a boy that you really very much fancy.
-awesome text messages including a lot of "4" and "u" abbreviations.
-cockfag.
-free chips and salsa with margaritas. mi pueblo.

i have so much to do before i can move:
-buy a desk.
-see andrew.
-call mark.
-figure out classes.
-pack all my shit.
-see body worlds II (tomorrow).
-say bye to west siders.
-finish up a package for the bff.
-hit the pool and the gym(curves).

i would pay good money for a phone conversation with beson right now. goodnight.

"i did cuddle you last night" "no you didn't, we did it and then you rolled over and fell asleep."

yeah, so my life rules so hard right now. i love chicago and am very envious of the area that zach will be living in. his apartment is huge and will cost him a total of 320$ a month including utilities. his room is green and very very cute. cheap eating everywhere around him, especially a lot of noodle places. we basically miss breakfast every morning because we've slept until 1 or 2 pm (2 or 3 pm clevo time) every day. part of it is staying out too late drinking, part of it is being crammed into a twin bed. secretly, im planning my life a year from now, with him, in this city. i'm actually behaving well i think, no tantrums, no huge dramatic scenes. actually he'll be mad once he gets out of the shower and im still sitting here in my underwear.

in other news, i got to see neal (all day yesterday), and zach's bffs amy and alex from korea. we basically took over a vip room last night even though im pretty sure we weren't allowed to. and neal and zach made me go see that kurt cobain movie in which kurt aka "blake" doesnt even shoot himself. seriously, what a rip off. today we're going to see the dead bodies! there are TWO exhibits. one in chicago (body worlds) and one in cleveland (body worlds II), and i get to see both. ha. i think we're also going to walk around zach's "campus" and meet up with the koreans again. i guess neither of them are korean. well one is korean american.

also, if you ever are here, please go to tiki todds in belmont. you'll love it. we did.

bedbug advice

yesterday i got a text message from lex that said "bitch!" which was weird, because i thought she was in singapore. i guess she's here though, so we're going to have lunch in a little while at megan's coffee shop. amazing. i miss living with this lady. no one else knows mc paul barman lyrics like she does, and no one else can call me cuntmuffin and get away with it.

so i should go take a shower and meet her OH! and maybe i'll bring my laundry with me so we can eat while it washes. and i have to go to the liquor store and get boxes to pack all my stuff in. moving! i hate moving. so much. even if i'm not sad about where i'm going or who i'm leaving, packing makes me stay up all night and get all sad.

my parents are coming to pick up my things on friday, and then i'll stick around for another five days or so, and maybe live at chris's house because he still has furniture.

oh and patrick is back! i thought he was gone for good, moved to jersey forever, but no, he's back and he says he has bedbugs and he's scratching a lot and also he made this really fucking huge fruit salad. it's ridiculous. he says he's going to ask ferris for some bedbug advice. i really hope the bedbugs don't spread.

stress it. stretch it.

i have little to no furniture for my apartment. i have to move soon but instead im going to chicago for like 4 days. smart, really smart. zach and i love mini vacas. basically we're professional mini vacationers.

i'm working out an increasing amount to get rid of the stress of moving and leaving/missing already left friends.

ok enough of this. im going to go eat a snack, go to the apple store, call andrew, and hit up thrift stores because i want: cowboy boots, a new desk, and some ugly lamps.

i'm into the cleveland accent.

im sorta getting into living at home. free food, free internet, free cable, beverages of all types all the time. my mom and i drink daily and my bed is fucking comfortable. my room is a mess, just the way i like it. i can shop till i drop and it's all good. my mom always is honest about whether something looks good or bad and no one even cares if i come home drunk and chill out like in the bathroom or family room or cook food if im hungry at 3-4-5am. i also really love clevo's hip hop radio stations. it's all love.

duck island was fun last night. thanks to everyone who came out. i still want to go to mullens before the summer is over. apparently, things are remodeled? chris invited me to the house of blues tonight but i'll pass. im not into the smoke again, quite frankly. beth leaves tomorrow and i wish i had a parting gift for her.

left on the goddamned agenda of fun things to do before summer ends:
- go sailing.
-see body worlds II.
-get my ass to chicago.
-pedicure.
-mullens.

quick like a bunny.

1. my orthodontist is a moron.
2. my ipod is at the doctors.
3. i love being in the country.
4. i've been talking on the phone a lot.
5. cleveland will really be missed when i go back.
6. i'll take it in stride and keep fighting the struggles off.
7. a night can always, always be a party, if you make it one.
8. what movie should i see tonight?
9. i'll be back in boston on the first of september.
10. come to duck island if you want to have fun tomorrow night.

i hate geoff gresh

tonight is poker night.

we made peparkakor which are the cookies that pippy longstocking makes in the adventures of pippy longstocking, and they came out very well BUT there are so many of them. please eat them. somebody. plus, there was a very exciting moment when i poured the baking soda into the boiling molasses and it all expanded really fast.

today, i ate lunch at a dining hall.

adam left for spain today. before he left, apparently, marissa said "it's been nice knowing you." which is typical marissa, but also it's true: by the time he comes back, she'll be in germany, and who knows what happens after that.

meanwhile, there is a bit of a situation going on with my furniture. i have two of everything. this is ok when half of it is in boston and half is in ny, but when i move back to ny, it will all be in ny, in my very small apartment. my parents solution is to stack the new furniture on top of the old furniture. i am not kidding. i really don't know what we're going to do, and i also don't know how comfortable i'm going to be in such a cramped room.

also, i hate geoff gresh.

markopoloXXX: i can go swimming! markopoloXXX: you can go swimming! markopoloXXX: we can all go swimming!

my mediocre night last night was ended excitingly. details are private okay. details are private.

broken flowers was boring and the chinese food made us both a little bit sick. don't forget the totally awesome hike i took with the family during the day and the cookout breakfast food and the super funny company.

i may still go to chicago this weekend, only after the duck island party friday.

i have gotten more bee stings than mosquito bites this summer. lame.

apparently, we can all go swimming.

CAPITAL LETTERS OMG

THE SPELLING SHOW WAS FUN. A DUDE FROM WORK IMED ME AND REQUESTED "HELL" (YES, SQUIRREL NUT ZIPPERS) BECAUSE THEY SING "THE D AND THE A AND THE M AND THE N AND THE A AND THE T AND THE ION . . ." AND ANOTHER DUDE CALLED IN TO ASK ABOUT THE HALF JAPANESE SONG. AND CHRIS CAME BY BUT HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE RAIN SO HE WAS NOT WEARING A SHIRT OR SHOES, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS FUNNY.

TIE FOR BEST SONGS OF THE NIGHT:
1. HALF JAPANESE/ "THIS COULD BE THE NIGHT"
2. MISSY ELLIOTT/ "SPELLING BEE"

ok this capital letters thing is total bullshit because i don't have the energy to yell right now, not even pretend yell on the internet. but things are good, if a little sleepy and low key.

today i did errands and i sent out some long-overdue correspondance. hello washington state, hello new zealand.

i had a farewell wine drinking date with erika the other night, which was silly because we're both moving to new york. but it made me realize that i don't hang out with erika OR drink wine often enough.

ok now i'm going to go take a shower and neurose around about whether my cut is infected enough for them to amputate my whole arm.

YES OK! I'LL ADMIT IT!

!I DID GO SHOPPING TODAY AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE. GROUND ME. WHATEVER!

!BOYS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. THEY MAKE ME CRAZY. I'VE ACTED LIKE AN IMMATURE IDIOT LATELY BECAUSE OF THEM AND NOW THEY WON'T CALL ME, OR CALL ME BACK! I'VE GOTTEN JEALOUS AND GROUCHY WHICH I HATE TO DO! I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE I MATTER, BUT I DON'T LIKE TO FEEL THAT WAY! SHIT!

!EMILY MARKO IS ENGAGED. PASS IT ON!

!3.5 HOURS LATER, AFTER THE DOCTOR TESTS, MY ASTHMA NUMBERS ARE WAY WORSE AND SO NOW IM ON MEDICINE THAT IS NOT VERY GOOD FOR ME BUT GOOD FOR MY LUNGS. I DON'T LIKE THIS! NOT ONE BIT! NOT ONE BIT AT ALL!

!I AM EXCITED ABOUT MY NEW SHIRTS, BUT WHEN I WAS TRYING ON THINGS TODAY I GOT A SHIRT STUCK!!! ON ME AND I WAS REALLY PANICKING ABOUT HOW TO GET IT OFF! I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HAVE TO CUT IT OR WORSE YET, I'D HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND BUY IT BECAUSE IT WAS STUCK ON ME! IT WASNT EVEN THAT CUTE OR WORTH TRYING ON!

emergency! emergency!

andrew's back and he eats chicken wings like no one ever has. honestly, it's a sight to see. his slide show is as well. hopefully we'll go watch the meteor shower tonight together and beth and i will hold hands in a long chain with all our other friends or something like that.

keith's band plays in a graveyard on sunday, friday is the feast and parade, and tonight i want to see march of the penguins. those babies seriously look so goddamned cute.

i have to go work out with mb and then go to see the asthma doctor so he can tell me that my lungs and allergies have gotten worse because thats always what he tells me and then he never does anything about it. sweet.

the "real world" is nothing like my real world.

summer may be ending, and i may be okay with that. beth and i have lived this summer like it was the last summer of our lives. i talked her into going to me you and everyone we know, and we just about died. it was so funny yet so cute yet so pointless that we got stuck on this loop of discussing our summers and our lives. we decided we are like b list celebrities in this town, or atleast we like to think we are. we waltz in and out when we feel like it. we go out only when we feel like it, and we only go out with people that think we are cool, that we think are cool. we have snotty attitudes and shit talk everyone around us the entire time, and manage to make friends while doing it. and even if/when the night (or day) goes bad, we have a laugh about it. a really good laugh. i don't think we can not have fun.

like how we went to that party the other night where we only knew fuki, shawn, and joseph, but where beth tried to meet me a new unattractive boyfriend, handed out my number, we considered stealing a bike, and ran into mason who, apparently, recieved his first kiss from me (this fact was unknown to me previously, as he was not my first kiss. it's hard to keep track of these things.)

or last night where we went to that movie and then sat at the pub laughing about old people and her mother's ridiculous requests, and our current/future roommates, and how we have a life to go back to at our respective schools. we have friends in high and low places in more than one place, and while i spend a lot of time hating my transient lifestyle, i am realizing im used to it, have "owned" it and am loving it.

hey friends, i love you.

ice cream

my bike is repaired (plus bonus unnecessary girly accessories!) and my cut is healing and the bruises are changing colors like sunsets but slower.

i'm too hungry to cook dinner.

i'm reading hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world and i adore it. i've noticed that there's this weird recurring theme in murakami of women who eat a lot. i mean there was that one short story about the husband and wife who hold up a mc donalds because they're very hungry, and now i'm at a part in the novel where the main character can't cook enough tofu and sausage to satisfy the librarian. the best part about the librarian is the part where the guy asks a favor of her and says is there anything i can do to thank you and she says yes, go get me an ice cream cone, and he does. and he says it's a good thing the ice cream wasn't melting and drippingwhen he handed it to her, because that was the only thing that could've made the moment more ridiculous.

i'm still not sure what i want to do for a job or for my life in general, and i'm still not quite sure how things like applying to grad school work, exactly. i am thinking of applying for a teaching fellows program. i think i would really like being an english teacher. but. i don't think that it's what i want to do forever and i'm not sure that it's something i'd want to do long enough to justify getting an MA in education, even if the degree is mostly paid for. i need someone to plan my life for me.

this week's radio show will have a s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g theme i think. suggestions from coworkers:
the cure/ fire in cairo
bay city rollers? gary glitter?/ saturday night
the ramones/ pinhead

there's a line, or part of a line, that keeps on running through my head: ". . . just as kissing instructs you to stop thinking." i can't think of what it's from, i want to say it's from something involving miranda july, but i am not sure. it's a nice part of a sentence though, so i don't mind.

a few days ago i was riding my bike late at night after work and greg beson all of a sudden was there and so we rode together for a bit and yelled back and forth and one of the things i remember yelling is "i don't like to feel like things are ending." the beginning of august means the end of the summer and the end of the summer means an ending.

maybe i'll just eat ice cream for dinner.

what's it and what's knit.

what's it:
-party last night at the gay's (we shouldn't call it that.)
-beth's red shoes.
-eating chinese and drinking margaritas RIGHT NOW.
-done with waitressing.
-on holiday.
-zach is back today.
-mojitos, bocce ball, frisbee tonight at mike's.
-emails from monen.
-grass.

what's knit in the near future:
-chicago.
-bossanova (get my jacket, confront chris).
-movie/drinks with mom.
-dates.
-boating.

bleeding in dunkin donuts

so this morning started with a bike accident and me walking into the cleaveland circle dunkin' donuts with a bleeding elbow and getting sorta weird looks from all the people on line. my bike was sort of fucked, i.e., i could not roll it forward. i carried it (!) across the street and locked it outside the dunkin' donuts, washed off my elbow gash in the bathroom, and then got an iced coffee (typical). i didn't know how i was going to get myself/ my shogun home. i called khury, thinking maybe he knew a bike shop around there, and amazingly, he said he could just borrow his roommate's car and pick me up, and he had to go to somerville to look at an apt anyway so it was no problem. amazing. he is my hero forever.

so we went back to his house to eat pancakes (as i said, he is my hero) and look at a map, and then i checked out this apt with him, which was cool and cheap but had very low ceilings and the realtor kept making jokes about khury hitting his head. then he dropped me off at a bike shop and i found out my shogun was not as fucked as i thought it was and then i bought a coffeemaker (because the coffeemaker broke) and walked home and here i am.

so things are good and i'm going to have a really cool scar on my elbow.

what else?
1. last night me and chris watched love and death and it was even funnier than i remembered it being. especially the herring guy.
2. adam and marissa are coming today! in a few hours! amazing. i should look up museum hours and find sheets for the guest bed and stuff.
3. methley plums. are amazing. they have them at the farmer's market and i am in love with them. they do not have meth in them, though.

cheap ass people.

that's all i dealt with today. cheap ass people. i managed to injure myself in the following ways:
-lower back strain. cause: lifting something too heavy. this happens daily.
-upper back spasms. cause: stress. carrying trays. etc.
-hip bruise. cause: running into the same door knob twice in a row in the same spot.
-shin bruise. cause: slipping in the kitchen and ramming my leg into the slush bucket.
-sock burn. cause: socks.

amy's such a bitch for moving back to new york. i don't think you realize how rough it is to live at "home." just move into my house with patty and joseph and you can sleep in my bed. we'll ride bikes and bake cookies. we could even hold hands during the movies. you'll probably be better than the fake boyfriends i've had this summer and the last few years. seriously. serious. no joke. do it.
everyone will sort of be gone/moving on in their lives. i'll be living with two boys, in my own place, without amy around. greg beson will be on tour for awhile. sue won't be my boss. man i could have a panic attack just thinking about it. good thing i had a couple drinks after work.

i just got a text message from zach asking me to send naughty pictures via cell phone. am i that kind of girl?

"that's pretty good for a drunk guy. for a bleeding drunk guy."

today i cleaned my room (you can see the floor now) and listened to the supremes and the shirelles. then i went by megan's coffee shop and finished editing a cover letter for one of the jobs i want to apply for and sent it in. when i pressed "submit" i said, "megan i applied for a job!" and she said "do you want a cookie?" and then: "um, no really, i'm bringing some cookies home."

i'm going to keep applying and hope that i actually get a response that isn't computer generated and doesn't say "**please do not reply to this message**." there are cute university presses and entry-level associate programs that give me hope.

now, aaron and megan are arguing about something stupid. aaron is saying things like "okay, then what's a 'rash'?" and "they eat dirt. two ounces of dirt. yes." and there's a show about poison dart frogs on tv.

last night me and chris helped patrick make felt finger puppets for his preschoolers. i love glue guns. i made strega nona, who is an italian grandmother with a magic pasta pot. then we went to the bar to play darts. there was actually a dude at the dart board, which is unusual. he had blood all over his hand and his shirt, and he was sort of talking to himself. me and chris ended up talking with him about different dart games and rules, and over the course of the conversation, chris told him he was bleeding. i guess it was because he was drunkenly? violently? fidgeting with his earring. anyway, after me and chris finished playing darts (i lost by one bullseye, fucker), the guy started taking practice throws. he was doing pretty well, and he said to himself, or us, "that's pretty good for a drunk guy. for a bleeding drunk guy."

oh. and this is important: i decided to move back to new york. i'm leaving at the end of august. i'll be living with my parents for a while, which will be an adventure. but all in all, i'm excited about the move. i miss new york, and pretty much every publishing house ever is there.