love and loss and tailor dreams

i couldn't sleep last night because i was having one of those reflective nights where i draw a bunch of comics and tell difficult stories to myself in front of the mirror and try on my prom dress and stuff. man that thing is huge and yellow. i need to wear it to something soon.

meanwhile, ten blocks downtown, adam couldn't sleep either (i'm sorry; that sounded like a carrie bradshaw segue) because every few hours he would wake up from these dreams about unrequited love and think "love and loss! love and loss!"

i had to go to the tailor this morning to pick up my suit. my suit! as i was lying in bed trying to gather the energy to go, i had a dream that i was at the tailors being fitted for scuba gear by scientists. "we're gonna need to divide the wetsuit," they said.

speaking of tailor fantasies, oh man remember that woody allen standup thing where he's like "it's ten after four in the afternoon, and everybody in the world mysteriously falls asleep, and the whole world sleeps til exactly one hour, til ten after five. and mysteriously upon awakening, everybody in the world is in the pants business. everyone is making cuffs and flys and cutting velvet. and a spaceship arrives from another planet, and men get out wearing shirts and ties and black socks and no pants. they say 'are the pants ready?' and we say 'no, can you come back thursday?' ..."

okay i'm going to go buy the chicago manual of style. happy new year.

pony tails and break out skin

i feel like i am in middle school all over again. seriously.

i bought my ticket to chicago today. i will not have much money to spend, but i figure a week of surviving on bagels and stolen food may not be so bad. see, if i tried to save the money, i would spend it on stupid shit i don't need when shopping, thus, i wouldn't end up going to chicago, so i'm just going to go. "you can always retake a class, but you can't retake a party," transforms into, "you can always save money later, so you can spend it now."

i am still working on this stupid stupid paper that has been hanging over my head for like 2 weeks. really, it was due on the 20th and i will be turning it in exactly a week and 4 days late. all my figures are ready, my statistics are calculated, my research is done. i just have to write the actual text.

zach and i stayed up late watching arrested development season 3, drop dead gorgeous and tarnation. my eyes were itchy and my stomach rumbly, but we made it through a sleepover platonically. i am excited to see what is to come. i think that is my next big thing: platonic friendships. i really missed him.

i miss greg beson and emily monen significantly as they provide a lot of emotional support and laughs and FUN. i have to call patty before he leaves for ireland and i should probably say hi to ferris baby. happy new year soon. i don't know where i am going, nor what to wear. get it together.

and amy, i think i want the young ones on laser disc. i want my own copy. im tired of always having to borrow yours.

meet jeremy.

thanks for the pinkeye, tasha

way to give me pinkeye and then up and move to philidelphia.

a lot of today was spent waiting at the docs clinic for eyedrops and reading the new(ish) murakami book. i have marc flury's girlfriend's copy, don't ask me how that happened. and there are photos of flury in it, of course.

then big chanukah dinner. best apple pie ever and thank god my mom forgot to make me go to dunkin donuts to get jelly donuts because that always seemed a little weird and there was too much dessert anyway.

wait, jacq, where are you? is there an amherst, ohio? or are you in massachusetts?

regardless, i'm coming to boston jan 3rd... will anyone be around? i hope so.

oh yeah ps there was a really short article in the nytimes yesterday about how the mayor of lawrence, kansas decided to proclaim a "dada month" (you know, like black history month), but then decided that it was against the spirit of dada to choose a specific month. amazing.

the last time of the year

i have been touching my nearly almost healed wound constantly expecting it to become less sensitive, but it never does.

i realize i don't have to date anyone. i don't think i want to, so hey, keep your distance. i am tired of forcing things and struggling through emotions that don't even matter.

i am doing a little more work and then heading out to amherst. i hope my ipod doesnt break like usual.

will this ever end?

christmas stunk. everyone was mean and grouchy and no one liked anything they got. my mom mangaged to get me ugly pearls. i didn't think they existed, but, oh yes, they do. i guess i will transfer my excitement to the laser disc. i hope it is of the young ones.

jeff just sent me an email about boxing and i really want to learn to box. haha.

finally, i am not sure if the mini vaca to chicago will work out this year.

jewing around

chinese food and a movie on christmas, no kidding. with the goldsteins, no less.

ps. jacqueline i got you a laserdisc for christmas.

holly and gingerbread

i just went to an amazing midnight mass. they had an amazing choir and i had never been to mass on christmas. it was very uplifting. going to our church just didn't work out today considering my mom is exhausted, my sister is completely uncooperative, and we wanted to open some presents. we had christmas eve at my grandmas which i thought would be a struggle, but it ended up fun. the funniest part was when my grandma got angry at my sister for "not doing anything and being helpless." she won for the most ironic statement of the year.

yesterday was an amazing day as well. zach came over around 1, helped me do all the slave chores for my mom, and then baked gingerbread with me. i started to get worked up but he brought me back down, somehow, someway. he made me feel really amazing - a way i haven't felt in a long time. then we went to dinner at a japanese restaurant, went to a family cocktail party, and ended up at mullens. seeing all of my friends was fantastic. everyone was in a good mood and so many people showed up that i hadn't even expected. i was reminded why i love cleveland and how great it is to come home to people that still care after 4 years of the whole back and forth for school thing. i feel like i've lost nothing and gained more than i ever expected considering i live out of state. so thank you friends - i love you.

santa is about to come! merry christmas!

honestly

amy, how can you even joke about getting a dog to your father when you know that patrick and i won't even let you touch or look at our puppy/dog because you were not properly raised with a canine in the house.

i cannot believe you.

my dad

my dad, on what he would do if i asked him to babysit my pug, if i had a pug.

"i don't think i could bring myself to feed it, or even encourage it to live. i mean, oh god. oh god. you've got to be kidding."

eel adventure day two

i finished delivered my last batch of eels today.

yesterday andy helped me make eels. he didn't make so many though, he was mostly there for moral support. OR SHOULD I SAY MORAY SUPPORT!

i biked downtown in hellish rush hour transit strike craziness traffic to deliver them and here are some things i kept on saying over and over very quietly to the cabs that were trying to destroy me:

• oh baby, oh honey. oh honey oh honey oh honey.
• i ain't tryin' to hear that shit.

yeah don't ask me why.

jacqueline, i will totally send you an eel (uh email me your address i forgot it). if anyone else is reading this and wants one, i would love to mail you one, too, just ask!

sweet score

i totally scored free cigar boxes from the smoke shop. they are really quite beautiful and they totally made my day along with tiramisu cake, free laundry, and a good night's sleep.

neal's was fun last night. i cannot believe santino is still on the show. and what is even worse is that i have a score of 0 in my fantasy project runway game.

amy, how are those eels?? will you mail me one?
pretty pretty please?

cooking disaster

so i decided to make pasta and a salad tonight for dinner since everyone is running around for christmas.

i spilled probably a whole gallon of water into the stove and spilled the entire salad onto the floor.
i was going to bake cookies but not anymore.

it's one of those days.

my new job

i am a professional origami eel maker.

seriously.

i fucking love craigslist. like it actually gives me faith in humanity. "hi, i need someone to make 200 origami eels for me." "hi, i would love to make 200 origami eels and i need some money." the simplicity of it is beautiful. it is like the olden days. like hey, give me your cheese and i'll give you this vest. or like hey, give me those goats and i'll give you my daughter. no but really. the world cannot be such a bad place if i just got a job folding paper eels, you know?

the transit strike is funny. tomorrow i have to walk four miles downtown to meet the eel guy. should be good.

ok so it's a week late but i'm back in america!

things i did in germany include (but are not limited to):

1. ate quark, debated a lot about what quark was.
2. met the guy who looks like klaus kinski (but only sort of).
3. took pictures of marissa looking mad at me for taking her picture.
4. listened to tyrannosaurus rex albums, over and over.
5. fried potatoes.
6. gluhwein. also: white gluhwein.
7. saw a storefront in trier that said "HAPPY AFRO AMERICAN SHOP." also: roman ruins!
8. ate risotto with risotto guy, who turns out to be named alexi.
9. best falafel: tie between the uni one in freiburg and dada in berlin. worst falafel: frankfort hautbanhof.
10. played a german board game about settling land. lost to chris because he kept on getting insane amounts of sheep.
11. stayed on people's foldout couches and stuff (thank you, people, if you're reading this!).
12. tried on boots. did not buy boots.
13. went to basel and strasbourg (i guess this should not count for things i did in germany). saw art made out of pollen! and a lot of french people!
14. saw high noon in german, with chris translating. the movie basically went like this: "no, you can't leave!" . . . "i'm sorry" . . . "i'm sorry" . . . "i'm sorry i don't know what she said."
15. ate exceptionally bad thai (?) food with marissa.
16. ate a lot of ja! products.
17. went to a french girl's birthday party and met the various boys marissa has/once had/has never had a crush on/awkward moments with.
18. attempted to go process marissa's residence papers, failed (?) due to fire alarm.
19. got fined for not buying a ubahn ticket.
20. went to h&m four times, what the fuck.

there is more but i can't think of it because of jet lag. on the plane i read a novel, wrote notes for a poem, drew a comic strip, and watched four episodes of everybody loves raymond. planes. they're awesome.

i miss my germans a lot. but it's nice to be back, too. i'm going to go think about my germans and also dream of ever taking a family photo as amazing as jacqueline's. i will start by practicing opening my mouth very wide.

oh hey look snow bandits.

merry christmas

tis the season for bullshit family events, terrible christmas pictures, paper cuts, eating garbage food, and screaming fights.

love,
jacqueline

things will be easy soon right? like my finger will heal, i won't struggle for money, and i won't fight with friends anymore. i can paint if i want or sew or write a book. i can schedule and structure or deconstruct my life. i can be obsessed with tv or eat a lot of pizza. maybe i won't wear boots anymore or go outside if it has snowed. i'll probably cook dinner a few times and wonder what all my other friends are doing. or maybe i can just drink myself silly for a few days and hitch hike to chicago so i can remember what it is like. maybe ill buy records and a record player because i like that click hiss noise at the end of a record. i can clear my eyes and wear enough sweaters to keep warm. i can take my time.

wishes don't do dishes

ive spent the last few days baking. i cleaned my room and swept up. i feel much better. sort of at home.

the last week has been strange. i wish i could say it was strange in a seinfeld-esq way, but it has just been uncomfortably strange. i have strange guilt about something, but i don't know what it is. my new boots are wearing and i don't know why that bothers me so much. im going to paint my nails and maybe go to paul's. i would like to accomplish something today. i think i want to be l-o-v-e-d and cared for now but im not sure if i am.

saturday cannot come fast enough.

hey guys, don't even worry about it. i probably wouldn't be able to come on a long distance bike ride because i spend my money on supplies to make you things and couldn't afford a bike. fuck you.

i'm in germany.
i'm not getting pearls for christmas.
but, today i'm going to france.

hey bitch

guess who is getting pearls for christmas?
this guy.

german

so is amy like already in germany? i hate to break it to her, but patrick remembered about forgetting her yesterday.

things have been amazing the last few days. i went to the nutcracker with emily after having a seriously productive day, and after meeting a girl i really like that will probably move in here. it was a lot of fun to get dressed up and go downtown to the opera house, and the nutcracker is never disappointing. after that we rode bikes fast in tights and skirts to her house to hang out and ended up punchier than we have been in a long time. drank some tea, played some hearts, and had an all around fun librarian evening. i had a hard time getting out of bed today because all i have to do is write a paper and my house is freezing.

so i nearly vomitted at preschool, stumbled to the store to buy some juice to combat the nausea i had been suffering from, and ended up laying around watching CSI for a few hours.

i was up in my room and like 15 pals came over. we just hung out and drank juice/beer and i found out that i am great at bottling beer. i mean, who knew!? everyone's gone to sligo's right now and im okay with it. im going to work a little on a paper and then hit the hay for an early morning of homework and a full day of grocery shopping and nutcracker ballet watching. i'm breathin fairly easy considering all the shit that is going on in my life so congratulate me!

... hey thanks!