struggles with technology

computer problems are the most frustrating things in the world. all i have been able to recover are my pictures, music and resume. i suppose everything else should have been purged anyways. i remembered saving all my old blogs online as in a copy paste huge word file. i'm okay with not having that anymore because i'd rather not read old diaries. i've given up reading old letters as well. they make me sad, nostalgic, or panicky. i don't need that. i just don't know how my computer is so full. is it all the mp3s? i may as well just keep what i want and reformat at this point. i'm going to go outside, drink some iced tea, and write a letter or two.
lovies.

jacq, you also left your facewash here

and i used it this morning. cleaner clean. thanks!

so today has been struggling because at my job they were like, um, we just found out that we're not actually allowed to give you extra hours like we've been doing, so you're part-time for real now, okay? which means i'm approaching the poverty line.

and what's worse is that i'm approaching the poverty line on foot, because my shogun has a flat tire. i've been walking everywhere, including the 45 minute walk to work. i miss my bike. last night's tire replacement plans were thwarted by weird tires from taiwan that were the wrong size even though they were the right size.

so i've encountered some obstacles. but i will overcome them and triumph in the end.

meanwhile, some lists:

terrifying things
applying for a job job
nyc rent
resume paper with the little watermarks
all the dishes in the sink right now

nice things to look forward to
the possibility of a neat little domestic life with adam peltz in brooklyn
marissa visiting
meeting up with my parents in brimfield to go to a giant flea market
the seals at the aquarium
nyc trip to see japanese art and siren fest
bike resurrection

travels.

it was weird to be gone and it was weird to be back home. hanging out seemed so natural and fighting with paul seemed so normal. now i regret it (fighting) and am sad that i'm home. i woke up panic stricken because i wasnt
-100 degrees.
-half naked.
-with paul in bed.

i have to work today. i guess it's time to plan another mini vaca somewhere else.
places to consider:
-akron.
-south amherst.
-los angeles.
-chicago.
-omaha.
-boston.

things lost while gone:
-sunglasses.
-sunscreen.
-believer magazine belonging to one keith a. freund.

things gained while gone:
-reevaluation of life/love.
-ferris caldwell original tote bag.
-both impatience and patience for life in clevo.
-appreciation of pals all around.

don't think im making this vaca out to be a life changing experience because it wasn't. it was just very nice to beat the heat with some friends i don't see very often. it left me pumped to write some letters and send some packages.

so today was just like hitchcock's strangers on a train

"you'll do my murder, i'll do yours. criss-cross, see?"

except that instead of trading murders, me and aaron traded chores. i went downtown to return his nature videos (glacial lakes! glacial lakes!) to the library and he did my laundry for me.

it was a really pretty day. so sunny that i had to wear my fake d&g sunglasses. but i took them off after a while because the huge gold d&g emblem on the side sorta obstructed my peripheral vision. on my way to the library, i stopped at the ica. i asked how much admission was, and the guy said it was free after five. so i said, um, i think i'll come back at five. i returned the videos, went to trader joes, bought a believer, looked at expensive clothes, and then went back to the ica, which was fun. i haven't looked at art in a while.

then i rode home really fast cos eight o clock was approaching and folded my laundry and radio show! it was a great show. all the songs were about books or authors or reading. we played a seven minute long iron maiden song (based on dune).

so i had a very lovely and productive day off (laundry counts as productive), except i forgot to buy deoderant and sewing needles.

now dinner's ready (thank you megan) so all i have left to say before the ravioli is:

1. jacqueline! here! tomorrow!
2. i have a new crush, maybe.
3. little wings is my favorite.

between a rock and a hard place

or between a morse and a morris. really this whole boys with similar name thing that has been popping up since i started dating is kind of not sweet, but kind of hilarious at the same time.

it's supposed to be 93 degrees in boston on sunday. beach baby?

im having trouble packing all of the fashion i would like to bring with me to boston in one measely bag. wish me luck.

im sick of doing laundry for my stupid job.

last night i hung out with pals from work. we ended up at my managers house which was chill; however, i think im a little bit too hard on him. he likes the toughness so i keep going, but i think i might have been a little too not nice and not enough nice. i'm kind of like that in general at work. i hate the place so i get moody as soon as i walk through the doors. he also told me someone from work is actively pursuing me and im being all "standoffish." unfortunately i have no idea what he's talking about.

i heard maybe the funniest story ever. it involved schemes to pass drug tests. i haven't laughed that hard in a long time. i also had never had so many drinks and only been charged 11.00. amazing. see yall on friday.

mail call.

and can i just say that today was a great day for mail?

1 postcard made out of the cardboard instructions from a monopoly game with a prose poem called "baseball in the americas chapter one" written on it. it's not signed, but i can only assume it's from joe chicago, who is (um, god willing) on a bike and headed straight for guatemala.

1 box from omaha including a lot of good old books (hello, raymond carver), a tiny radio boombox, a drawing of a bear (?), and a potato masher. plus there's a little note (on the back of the bear drawing, naturally) explaining who all the gifts are for. like, the books are for anne, and the potato masher ("not washed!") is for megan, and the bear drawing is "for amy, maybe?"
yeah, i really love that there was a moment in omaha where monen was browsing around at a thrift store and saw a potato masher and thought "megan!"

thanks! i love you, maybe.

was that three fellas, or one fella with three beards?

i've been having adventures with my best friend from kindergarten. highlights:

*running into this guy at soundbites who is both emily's long-lost friend from vassar and a bookseller at my store's rival store, and having brunch with him and his girlfriend.
*getting a free fruit plate at aforementioned brunch cos i found hair in my pancake.
*finally seeing a marx brothers movie. best ever.
*chillin' on the library roof with a socialist pedicab driver.
*cloggin' the shower drain.
*gossiping about the debate team.
*grilled cheese.
*emily vs. aaron: epic argument about anarchy.

i think she's in watertown now but maybe we'll hang out tomorrow?

today during my lunchbreak i wandered into something called "riverfest." i scored big: two pairs of fake d&g sunglasses (black, and pink), a birthday present for my cousin, some dunkin' donuts coupons, a pretty glass necklace, and cheap indian food and a mango lassi. oh and some puppet flirting. three puppets were sitting on a fence (chillin' between puppet shows?) and one puppet (i mean a dude holding a puppet, but have some fucking imagination) said to me, "your pants are very close to pink. i love pink. you are my dream girl." and it was more charming than i can express here.

i have tomorrow off but i have nothing to do. probably i'll ride bikes, goodwill, laundry like a normal sunday. unless i go on an adventure?

funnest time of all time. all the time.

last night was amazing. i went shopping to start it all off and got sweet shit on sale. really i wouldnt call it "sweet shit" because its pretty basic but it was still cool. i ran into my favorite mac make up artist at nordstrom and he was all "oh btw we are having a rager tonight." and im like "oh no joke? because andrew has already sent me about 15 text messages about how i should come." i went home and ate chinese food that was actually good. not greasy and not all bloaty feeling. i had a beer and then drove to pick up keith at the beachland tavern but found him instead at "music saves." i realized the thing they give away free shit in is the collecting dishes at church and they were like "holy shit no one ever realizes that." and i was all "oh thanks. i rule." then we went to get a drink and i ran into vielma who just quit at "the bravo" as she called it. she is tall and blond and really irritating so i peaced outta there asap. we went to the party and i was like "its that building, top floor." and keith goes "oh jed used to live there." and i was all "omg that is where we are going, to jed and shawn, and antonio, and andrew's apartment!" and he was like "man we were bros back in the day im so excited!!" i then had some difficulty parallel parking the mini van and gave up on it. everyone was so excited keith was there and i got lots of kisses and hugs and stuff. and then john rybicki and drew showed up! there was some pizza. we talked and danced and stuff and i met some new people who include but are not limited to: andrew, rachel, yuki, joseph, john/chris (cannot remember). really i didnt meet that many new people so it was kind of a lie, that sentence i mean. but then i was chillin out drinking some champaigne in shawn's room and keith got control of my cell phone. while he was on it, "girl talk" started playing and we had a great time dancing. i've never heard anyone mix pop songs quite so well. i don't think ive ever danced so well either. (that may be another lie). but then the cops came and they cut out in the middle of my new favorite song which i care to not list here. then i lost keith, but andrew tried to help me find him. i found him, chatted with andrew, and then went home. and it was andrews birthday and i forgot to tell him happy birthday before i left so i felt kind of bad. i also forgot to tell a lot of other people it was his birthday so i feel kind of bad about that too. oh well. i have to go to work soon.

well if that wasn't a play by play, i don't know what was.
oh also i went to curves yesterday and they said im only 16.1% body fat. that means close to being in the greatest shape of all time/dead. i'm pretty sure it's completely inaccurate but i still feel good about it.

worst ever.

i agreed to be a "hair model" for a gay man i met at a bar. of course, i got that short cut before i left boston so there isn't so much hair to play with. i get over there, realize the makeup he is doing is a play off of clockwork orange and totally g-a-y but give the haircut a go. i love it until i realize he totally razored off half of the back and left me with a single rat tail on one side but the mullet on the other. i imagine he is italian and is sick of giving full blow mullets. i bummed about it all last night until i got home and got a good look at it. it looks better in the light, but im still not happy. atleast all the gay boys were really super funny.

i have the makeup/photoshoot to lookforward to on friday as well as fireworks and a date to the "thursday's prom."

oh also i really learned how a "pawn shop" operates from talking to matt on the phone. im having really weird anxiety about serving tonight. really its just anxiety about not making any money and not being able to afford my trip to boston. i have the ticket, i just may not be able to spend much elsewhere. i wouldnt mind being trashed for 4 days and making out a ton. can you do that for me paul?

you say john, i say wayne

today i woke up from a terrible anxiety dream where i had three papers and a final exam all due next week but somehow i still had the job i have now at the bookstore and i was panicking about how i was going to get everything done. it's not fair that you can still have nightmares about school when you're done with school.

then i went to work which was uneventful, except for the fact that it was kate's last day. there was illicit tiramisu in the storage room and, of course, drinks after work. i'm glad i went out to charlie's with everyone; it was fun, and you should never pass up an opportunity to see your boss drunk.

then i got home and hung out with aaron and megan for a bit. we were talking about the radio show, and megan says "yeah, i like the idea of themes, but i don't like it when you play songs that are bad just because they fit the theme."

"like what?" i asked.

"like that bicycle song."

"bicycle race? by queen? that's not a bad song! that song is amaaazing."

then aaron says, "it's 'amaaazing' that it was recorded. it's amazing that people bought it and that people listen to it, yes, if that's what you mean by amazing."

i can't believe i live with people who don't like bicycle race.

now i have to go to sleep because i have work in, oh god, seven hours, oh god.

ps

"i pitched a tent and slept in it for a day!"

steevo made me nostalgic and i wasnt even there.

man, i miss when zach, steev, dan and erich used to be palz. it was the beginning of some of the greatest times of my life. nothing could get me down when they were around. it was the most painstakingly brutal persuance of a person i have ever been a part of but from it has come the best friendship and relationship i have had thus far in my life. zach comes home on july 18th. im taking the 20th off to make sure i have a chance to really hang out with him after he's kicked the jet lag and relaxed back in the states. he never was one to get too much sleep though. he'll probably mostly just suffer from diarrhea from american food.

in the works:
-boston trip.
-bike purchasing.
-exercising.
-white water rafting.
-finding something to entertain mb.
-improving at serving.
-finding another job if i don't improve..
-chillin with bffs. (newbies: barb, sammy, mike, brad. oldies: beth, keith, neal, jamie)
-not even giving a shit.

amy i miss/love you. same to everyone else. all your roommates, friends, residents of boston and red sox fans worldwide. man i am tired.

amen to that

"zombies don't want to eat your brains, they want to eat your dick."
-- aaron

it's too hot but at least i went swimming.

down to a science

so i just got home from work and it's nearly eleven and i have work tomorrow at eight thirty. ew.

but the good news is i have getting to work down to a science and i figured out the fast way to get there and now it never takes more than ten minutes, and even less if i find some really fast dude to chase like i just did on my way home.

and also the good news is that i'm going to see architecture in helsinki tomorrow night.

and also the good news is that megan brought home a bag of scones from work.

oh! and i just found out that my best friend from kindergarten is coming to visit next weekend. that is awesome.

and one more thing: today there was a girl standing in the park with a notebook that said "tell me a secret" on the cover and people wrote their secrets in her book. i wrote down a secret and i talked to her for a bit and i was amazed to hear that she had never heard of sophie calle, because sophie calle is a performance artist who does basically this exact sort of thing. like she once did this thing where she set up a bed at the top of the eiffel tower (she is french, and famous) and lay in the bed and had a sign that said "tell me a story." and i know this stuff might seem sort of obnoxious or pretentious or played out, but i think it's charming and it makes me happy.

curant.

beth and i basically didn't do anything at all yesterday and had a blast. i shouldn't lie. we shopped and it was great. new shoes, ties, and glasses for "my apartment."

i just spent over an hour trying to find a picture of these shoes on the internet to post here. oh well. if you're lucky and cool, you'll be hanging out with me at a time where i will wear them and you will be in luck!

i'll be in boston june 24th-june 27th. i would like to go to the beach, wander, eat a burrito or two, and have sex. i'm currently feeling quite content. work is better. pals are better. home is better. i'd say im approaching happy. as in the graph of an exponential and it's limits.

devolution.

after working two 12 hour days, its nice to be home. unfortunately im exhausted and my body aches.
last night was 2.75 drinks at bossanova for any person in the local service industry so a ton of people from work went. after everyone got drunk enough to drive home, a few decided to move on to mike's house where my manager proceeded to get stoned, drunk, and touchy feely. he blurted out "man, what is with girls shaving their pussies all the time. i mean i havent seen one unshaven since '96." it was a time. i got home at approximately 4.23 am. i saw dancing emily though. chill.

also, this past weekend we made pals with some pretty fun gay boys, and a 35 year old bartender/owner at the wine cave. bethy got a plus one to caribou and we're going to spoon on friday. i'm playin it up.

covered in aloe

i have a really intense/ funny sunburn. how did i forget body parts as obvious as the backs of my hands? also, my back is sort of a disaster. as anne pointed out, you can indeed see the little spots from the circles of my bra straps. oh sweet god.

but at least the bike ride was fun.

next time i am going to hire a team of sunscreen application experts.

but for now i'll just sit here and wait to start peeling and maybe hang out with emily good.

my whole world looks like a picture of a sunny day

today i left work early and took a long long walk: bikepaths, old traintracks, a lot of somerville i've never walked through before, and then finally at around eight i decided to head home. but then somehow i got lost and ended up wandering in loops in medford for two hours before i finally figured out where i was.

so i got home and put down my stuff and got some water and then i heard footsteps up the stairs and a girl's voice saying "hello?" and then "guess who it is?" and i really had no idea. for a minute i was like, holy shit, i can't believe jacqueline came all the way from cleveland without telling anyone! but then i walked into the living room and it was . . . EMILY GOOD! amazing. and with a wreath of flowers in her hair no less. she's been in rochester for forever so it's great to see her. i feel like her bright colors and her "positive energy" were missing from my life.

megan and aaron came back from the white hen and we all talked for a while. megan told a story about how she used to have a stuffed cat that she called "meow." note that this is pronounced "MEow" and not "meOW" as the word is conventionally pronounced. this is funny for two reasons.
1) megan tells us that she stole the name meow from a friend's stuffed animal and she did not realize that it was also what cats said until a while after the naming.
2) it's impossible to say "your meow" without thinking that it sounds sort of dirty. actually it is a great word for that. start using it.

tomorrow i'm going on an epic bike ride. walden pond? i hope so. i'm packing a bathingsuit. but we know how bad my sense of direction is . . . i'll probably end up in new jersey.

see well

today was a better day. beth and i started it off with a lay out in the sun in our respective back yards. i was only out long enough to read a very short chapter. we travelled to ohio city, did some thrift shopping, got some soup at the souper market, went to the coffee shop and made approximately four new fans. the conversation all started because of a segway. some DB drove by on one and we made fun of him. basically we struck up a conversation and he i was offered me a job giving segway tours. the making fun of engaged the boys sitting next to us and all in all we made 4 new friends. they conveniently work at a very fun bar. i'm networking my way up in this town one boy-desperate-for-a-girlfriend at a time. the bad attitude and making fun of the bands they used to be part of gets them every time.

we then shopped at the mall. let me tell you, there is no reason why girls in clevo should struggle in style. i found some good stuff and wish i had a job where i wasnt making less than minimum wage. i'm going to call about a nannying job tomorrow. regarding boston, sue said she can squeeze me in. im going to have to wait until monday to discuss it all, but it is feasible and so it scares me. i thought for sure she'd say no, but well, now im in a pickle because i would love to live in amy's living room, spoon her etc. but i dont know if i can swing it money wise. things are starting to pick up with the palz here. we just need bikes, or cars.

i started the summer with three hopes: a boy, a puppy, and a job. i could have the boy if i wanted, but he's in boston. that doesn't work so well. i really just want to go on dates and do cute stuff like that (hand-holding, flower giving/picking, walks, cooking, dinners out, meeting for breakfast etc.), but he's not that type nor are dates on a phone possible. thinking about it, he's not even really the type to want a reason to get dressed up or appreciate me looking cute. i'm not his type. i haven't enjoyed our conversations lately and i think im starting to like my distance. the puppy is in the works (i check the paper every day). and i have a job, its just not a good one. when i cut it down, things are fine.

come on in, we haven't slept for weeks/ drink some of this, this'll put color in your cheeks.

jacq: come live with me. seriously. we will convert the living room into the kish room. or you can live on the back porch (we can totally fit a twinsize bed in there). you can even sleep in my bed, if you promise we can spoon. boston will be fun. we can "ride bikes" and maybe even "talk about philosophy." no but seriously it will be fun. we can bake cookies and screenprint and you will love the lions outside the house.

the other day, this really awesomely dorky guy at work (think: thirty-ish with a fauxhawk, no but really he is awesome) was talking about skul (that bike gang with the tall bikes) and telling us about this "mission" he was going on and i said "oh, do you know this guy so-and-so, he's in skul." and he said: "well, is that his skul name or his real name? because i would only know his skul name. in fact, no one in skul knows my real name."

"is that his skul name or his real name?" i'm going to have to say that next time someone asks me if i know someone. and it'll be really funny, at least for me.

speaking of bike gangs, i was riding to work today and somewhere around porter i heard someone scream "JAGUARS!" thanks, alex. jaguars forever.

what else? the sneakers are new, the avocados are ripe, and the tomorrow is the day off.

i'm very seriously beginning to consider moving back to boston. if things pan out, i would be working for a month and a half for jumpstart. i don't know if the paperwork would be in order yet, or if its a possibility that they would still hire me, but it's worth a shot. living would be tricky but probably better than right now. i still am making NO money at this job. i'm frustrated.

amy, would you seriously let me crash there for awhile? i mean i'd attempt to contribute to rent... and such. i don't know if you were serious about me staying there or not...